you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
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