The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
