Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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