Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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