just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
