areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize