I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
