It's like a parade of train wrecks.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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