I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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