It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
