If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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