Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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