My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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