she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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