Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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