i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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