As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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