When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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