sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize