So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
