Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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