Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
