If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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