If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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