I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
