Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You are the jesus of drinking
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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