So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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