I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
