I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
