Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
