Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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