She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
