Swine flu. Run for my life!
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I forgot how hot balto sounded
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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