Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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