Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
