I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
