man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
