i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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