so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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