My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
