It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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