Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
