I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
