Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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