How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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