Cold hands, warm shart.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
why do cheetos always look like penises
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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