I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
You brought string cheese to the strip club
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
