i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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