i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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