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I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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