Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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