its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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