am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
