Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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