Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I think I am morally bankrupt
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
