I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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